10 tiny things I hate:

1. It really bugs me when I see wedding photos of a couple raising their clasped hands together like they've just won a race. You haven't won anything. You've lost. You've lost a small fortune, your single friends, if you're female, your last name and once the baby comes, your freedom.


2. People who hashtag too much. Ingredients to a dish does not a hashtag maketh, bitch. 

3. This one guy-at-the-gym's workout face. He looks like a Steve Tyler/Joker mashup. Literally half the bottom of his face is just mouth, which he constantly pulls into this face (mid rep):



4. The term "meat flaps".

5. Rapists.

6. People who can't seem to locate their indicators let alone use them. However, this ain't nothing compared to my disdain of female drivers who indicate one way and turn the other.

7. How everyone in Cape Town thinks they're a model. It's like intelligence just leaks out of the city, replaced with vapid selfies of very average looking individuals. Yawn.

8. Attention-seeking children. They look around (uh, quite obviously although they pretend not to) then get loud and fake laugh so hard to try and grab as much attention as they can because they're just so fucking funny. I wish I could just walk up to them and punch them in the back of the head.

9. People who don't answer the phone with the name of the place you're calling, so you never feel 100% confident you've dialed the right number. And then you have to do that awkward, "Uh is this Bathroom Bizzare?" thing to which the person on the other end of the phone does that "big sigh" thing like you're the asshole for asking.

10. People who don't say thank you when you let them go first, and or, in front of you. Don't worry, Karma's coming and hopefully, it'll be in the form of cancer, dick.

Tales of the Top Knot

Hi. As I was waiting for my ride in the blistering heat - the kind of heat that makes oranges sweat juice - a girl walked past me with long hair and a top knot. This got me thinking about the top knot. Like what's up with that? In my very unimportant opinion, top knots are to mankind what Trump is to politics, a joke. The whole point of tying your hair up is for (1) convenience (2) heat management and (3) in some circumstances a matter of life and death, say, what if your hair got caught in between the cogs of a giant machine?

I know it's trending, or at least, was trending (I can't seem to keep up with the crop-topped-tote-toting cool kids on the block, what with their long boards and round glasses). But trend (or fashion faux pas) aside, it's a hairstyle that isn't just an aberration it's unpractical because it's pretty much guaranteed to cause heat stroke or provoke a violent outburst.

Why?

Because wearing a top knot makes you look like something shat on top of your head or like human version of a Teletubby or like you're wearing a dunce cap made out of hair.

Look, at the end of the day it's all good because while I'd rather be punched in the boob than be caught dead with the least most sensible part of my hair tied in a bun, it's just me. And if you're the type of person who rolls with a top knot then that's cool too. Just know that it's nothing against you as a person (I'm sure you're very lovely), your head just looks it's got a big button on it begging people to say ugly things behind your condom-shaped back. And people being people, will.
In fact. I think I just did.

But enough of that. There are more important things to spend time contemplating like the polar ice caps melting, the plight of polar bears and the constant raping of our oceans by Japanese trawlers. Or, more poignantly, how all of these crushing realities sit hidden in the shadows of "real" issues like what product you're pedalling in your sponsored blog post and who wore what to where.


END.