Neurosis

Are we all neurotic or are some more than others? Ummm. what the fuck are my neurosis, ok speak to some and they'll start listing them but they're just being buttheads. Ok, well seriously for the really real. let me think...

1. When I shower, I follow the same routine (under the belief that if I do anything out of sync, something bad will happen during the day or something good depending on whether I'm pessimistic that day/night or brimming with obnoxious positivity. Like now, I'm pretty urgh, tres pathetic, go on feel sorry for me {not} so if I were to wash in another way, I might be tempting fate with my life...).

2. If I get drunk and pass out, at four am-without fail-yes now this shit is true-I wake up in a panic and obsess over how much of an idiot made of myself. it gets so bad that my heart starts racing and my legs get'a twitching and I cannot sleep. I've taken sleeping tablets before after enduring such an episode, and you know what, they didn't EVEN work. I'm wracked with feelings of embarrassment, guilt, shame, general social mortification and as I lay there I make a pact with the Universe that I'll never drink again, but I do and the vicious cycle continues.

3. I save each and every insect that's drowning in the pool, even ants and flies. I do not discriminate. I've tried to watch something drown but I can't and I don't stop until each bug is safely on dry land airing their creepy buggy wings. Well, I try and save anything unless it's a snail-sorry snails-I throw those over the wall. that way there is no sure way to tell that they have passed on, so it stands to debate whether or not I am solely responsible for their demise. I sleep better at night that way. Once I saved a crab, a monster crab, on the beach from a Seagull. It scared me but I saved it and then I buried it with sand so that the Seagulls couldn't find it. In retaliation they plunged back into the sea to grab another, my heart fell and I walked away. Seagulls = 1. Girl = 0.

a girl's second best-friend: a sultry, steamy cup o' hot chocolate

This is my recipe for the most delish, tasty hot chocolate ever:

1. Milk, full cream or half, just none of that fat-free stuff because it should be ashamed it even calls itself milk. A cup for each person, I’d suggest two for yourself though. You’ll see why when you're done.

2. Cocoa Powder

3. Unadulterated, brown sugar

4. Cream, real cream, double or plain, please don’t use the stuff that comes out of a spray can. It’s unnatural. And a little creepy

5. Honey, hmmm.

Directions: what you’re going to need to do is fill a saucepan up with milk-however much you need. Then add a semi-level tablespoon of cocoa for each cup and add a lovely heaped tablespoon of sugar per person (yes that means per cup bright spark). Whisk the milky concoction with a whisk (duh), until the cocoa and sugar is mixed nicely.

Ah, in a bowl, whip the cream until soft peaks poke up their creamy, glossy little heads. Don’t ask me how much cream, make enough for your heart's content. There you go just whip, it, whip it good… Then add dollops of honey. This is to contribute to the cream and make it slightly sweet and seductively honey flavoured! It’s a grand idea to taste, some like it sickeningly sweet, others, subtle.

Turn your attention back to the pot, making sure the milk is NOT boiling, but has clearly left the realm of dairy and is prancing about the world of hot chocolatey delight (hot being the operative word), remove from the heat and pour (I ladle with a soup spoon as I like to do most things the hard way, I’m hard-core like that).

Add cream to the top and gulp down like it’s the last thing you’ll ever do, because if you suffer from cholesterol or weight issues, it may very well be.

P.S Marshmallows are for babies Xxx