Rhyming words

So... the other day my sister and I were whatsapping and somehow the conversation digressed to a volley of insults-by-rhyme. Sit back, relax, no counter attacks and check our flow, yo:

M: The other day this popped into my head - I'm going to freak-a-deek out like a chicken with a sprout... Does this ever happen to you?

Z: There might be something wrong with you.

M: :l

M: :u

K: :y

Z: But yes I get the word sputnick alto. I think it's my favourite word. Fuck a lot*

M: You're a sputdick, on a brown stick.

Z: What's a sputdick?

M: I don't know but it has the word dick in it so it's mildly insulting.

Z: You're a freaky toad on a chicken road.

M: Ha ha ha

M: You're a smelly lump sitting in the dump.

Z: You're a smelly dump with a toad on your rump.

Z: Ha ha ha ha ha

M: You're a frosty bear with a semen stare :@

Z: You're a cum shot in a gravy pot.

M: You're a creepy goat sitting in the moat.

Z: Well you've got semen on you.

M: Well you smell like dead semen.

Z: You're a barn owl smelling pretty fowl.

M: You're dick cheese if you please.

Z: From the chicken semen on your rump. Gross.

M: ?

M: Um, you've got chicken teeth.


The end.


P.S. The word semen will always be funny.

P.P.S. It's unlikely that we will mature at any point. Life's too short to grow up too fast.

x

Facebook Stalking.

Yes, you creepy motherfucker, stalking. With the birth of facebook came a new breed of online deviance-I mean behaviour. I've done it, you do it, everyone'll try it at least once. Fact. But even facebook stalking has etiquette. I've prioritized it into a list for easy reading:

Online stalking ethos:

• Don't use your own account to "explore", borrow your brother/sister's. First prize would be a sibling who is friends with the person you're wanting to "get to know"(I think the word stalk is a bit harsh).
• If you don't have sibling(s), shame, use a friend who you trust implicitly. 
• If you don't have a friend who will lend you their account, ask yourself "Do I have any friends?" If the answer is no... I dont know what to say, that thought gives me spooky goosebumps.
• Don't leave any trace evidence. Don't comment, poke or otherwise vandalise the person's wall. That goes against the very essence of being curiously inconspicuous and it's just plain ridiculous.
• Delete your browsing history, mainly for your own benefit. This is like the proverbial tree, without witnesses, did you actually do it? 
• It's only really stalking if you can't send them a friend request because that would be too weird/awkies. 
• Don't stalk your squeeze's ex(s), this will only make you feel fat/ugly/depressed - even if he/she's a pirate hooker (chances are he/she is or else they'd still be together). Worse still, you'll never be able to talk to them about it, which means you'll have a secret that'll eat at your soul - forever - until you're a soulless void of constant comparison. Just don't do it. 
• Don't stalk your ex(s)... for the same reason as the point above. It's gut-wrenching to see them with someone hotter than you. And then you'll have to start stalking the new inamorata/o too and that's how shit gets complicated. For reals. 
• Dress appropriately. You might be behind your computer for a while, bring a jersey and a juicey. 
• Stay hydrated.
• If you're going to be masturbating, bring a damp hand towel.
• Don't masturbate at your friends house, take mental pictures and use the back of your eyelids later. 
• Have fun but not too much fun.

The end. 

Ok bye.

This gets me every time

Her enthusiasm and swing skills are impressive.

Hello

Sorry, I haven't posted in ages, here's a picture of a cute bunny for you so that you can forgive me. If this doesn't work I have candy and drugs in my car...

Haters gonna Hate. Not.

So, the Dalai Lama, possibly the coolest person I know, said “A true hero is one who conquers their own anger and hate”. Props (think that means like, big up/word/high five – I'm not fluent in gangster)...

Now, the power in this statement comes from the realisation that:

1. Anger and hate are our own creations, that is to say, they come from within us. Others can act as catalysts for anger and hate, but no one can make you feel anything-only you can (wow)
2. If it’s all in our head, does it really exist, is it tangible?
3. And if there’s no tangibility to it and it’s not coming from an external source, it’s coming from within in the form of a feeling. Then, as all feelings go “there’s birth and death”, “beginning and end” (although goddamned sometimes all you want to do his hit a motha-effer upside his motha-effing face)
4. I don’t know why I’ve numbered these points

Here’s an example. You’re in traffic, someone cuts you off. You react “Hey, fuck you, you cunt!” The cunt drives off completely unfazed, you’re left feeling angry.

He carries on with his cunt life, unscathed and you’re angry because another great injustice has prevailed. So what’s the point? How has it affected you, your life, your being? It hasn’t. In reality, but your head has different ideas and that’s where we veer off the path (the metaphoric path of motha-effing happiness yo).

We relive these events which we feel are unjust, unfair. We recreate it as a reality in our minds. The more we think about it, the more justified we feel in our anger or hate. The more justification we have, the more right we think we are and the harder forgiveness is. The harder forgiveness is the more resentment we harbour and we all know what resentment does to us. It fucks us up.

So how do we change this? It seems impossible to overcome right? Hell, no bitch, it’s actually pretty simple, it just takes practise. Here’s what you do:

Pretend anger and hate are your imaginary friends. Only these guys are like bad guy imaginary friends - and they hate you (duh). So see them as separate mind-made identities, they are not you (because that would mean that you have like multiple personality disorder). Now, if they’re not you, then you are not angry nor are you hateful! You do, however, have to interact with these guys. And by interaction I mean: they tend to show up and they’re hard to ignore. So don’t, instead see them for what they are and you can do that by simply watching them. Watch them come, watch what affect they have on you, on your mood, on your thinking. Observe how they try to make you reactive to situations as opposed to responsive. Just watch and remember that they’re separate identities, they are not your reality, not you, unless you choose them to be. Once you realise that you have the choice, you’re empowered and anger and hate become nothing more than a fleeting set of emotions you either embrace and react to or observe and create a sort of inner placidity.

And the next time something bad happens you can be like “fuck it” and smile.

uh...

I was meant to write something here, but it appears I can't write today. So, fuck it.