Girly Tip #3

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever dye your hair twenty minutes before you have to go on a Valentine's Day date. Why (I mean really!) because:

1. Due to the already rushed situation, you tend to forget the exact time you put the dye in, lending itself to 'over-colouring' (i.e. your iced chocolate brown comes out, uh, black).

2. You don't have time to blow dry your hair, thinking it will dry naturally and maybe a little wavy... This doesn't happen. The hair dye frizzes your hair, seriously, they should put that on the box! Not to self: It's imperative to straighten your hair after the initial colouring bonanza, stress hair 'normalizes' in 2 or 3 washes time.

3. Now because your hair is wet, you're unable to see the extent of the damage, and when coupled with your white face it's no surprise you share an uncanny resemblance to a spook.

4. When you get home, wow this is just far too tragic, and you FINALLY look at yourself in the mirror you realise, with sheer mortification, that you've been sitting across from your bf, looking like a ghost who's just been electrocuted, whilst wearing a ridiculously yellow dress, and all the while thinking that you looked great. As a result you'd spent the evening acting all cute-like (you know how you get when you think you look great).

Only you're not, in fact some would even say 'hideous' only your beau didn't have the heart to tell you. It was, after all, Valentine's Day.

O H M Y G O D !

It came as no surprise when he started licking his elbow

This is James.

He is 8.

He learnt how to do this from watching Lilo & Stitch.

I think it's very cool.

In fact, that I'd even say I am mildly jealous.

I personally can't do any cool tricks. But I do have a friend who is a gymnastics-guys love this (in a not very strange way, I am not surprised at all, I think there is double emphasis on the fact that I am really, really not shocked by guys loving the idea of a girl doing the splits). So I also have a friend who can stick one end of a condom up his nose and pull it out through his mouth (now this, on the other hand, shocks me quite a bit). I like to think that because I know people who can do tricks, I somehow acquire semi-trick status. Like people who know celebrities, they are, in some bizarre way, semi-celebs themselves... See?

Anyway

This trick comes in handy when you've got both hands on the steering wheel (and no I didn't just admit to anything).

Uncomfortable...

This happened yesterday. I went to the doctor because I have a really sore throat. Only it's not flu-sore, it's sore-sore. It's also only on the right hand side, wow weird. And there might be some good advise in here somewhere... Anyway I'm just going to repeat what was said.

P.S. The Doctor looked a bit like this guy (see above)

Doctor: Hello.

Maisha: Hi.

Doctor: How are you?

Maisha: I'm fine thanks, well since the last time you saw me, I'm fine.

Doctor: Yes -looks at file- that was in 2009?

Maisha: Yes.

Doctor: Yes.

Maisha: So.

Doctor: Where are you staying now?

Maisha: In plett, I moved down from Cape Town.

Doctor: Oh you're in Cape Town?

Maisha: No.

Doctor: Ok where then?

Maisha: In Plett, I live with my parents.

Doctor: That's nice.

Maisha: Yes.

Doctor: So what is wrong with you?
Maisha: I have a sore throat, only it's JUST the right side and it only hurts when I swallow and it hurts in my ear, but it's not flu-sore, it's just sore-sore, only it's not sore now because this morning I woke up really early and went to the pharmacy to get a decent painkiller, which I took about thirty minutes ago. Previously I had taken Panado, but it doesn't really work. It's not really the GP's choice is it?

Doctor: No.

Maisha: Thought so.

Doctor: -does usual check, looks down throat-You have an ulcer.

Maisha: Gross.

Doctor: Yes. It is quite.

Maisha: Yes.

Doctor: It's really big and it's all the way at the back of your throat at the very base of your tongue, it's why your tonsil and glands are swollen.

Maisha: Oh.

Doctor: Yes.

Maisha: How do you get an ulcer there?

Doctor: Well you get them from smoking?

Maisha: I don't smoke.

Doctor: From having a weak immune system.

Maisha: I have a strong immune system.

Doctor: From drinking very hot beverages?

Maisha: I don't drink hot beverages, they burn my tongue and I don't like that.

Doctor: You might have been scratched by a fish bone?

Maisha: I don't eat fish.

Doctor: Well you should it's good for you.

Maisha Ok I will

Doctor: Good.

Maisha: But what do you think it could be from?

Doctor: Well what else have you been putting in your mouth?
Maisha: 😳 

Girly Tip #2

Never double wax your top lip.

Ok granted some girls don't wax at all and that's cool, if your man friend's into mustaches (see image to your left). I am not judging you. Each to their own. However, if you think like me then, body hair is a no no, unless its located on the top of your head or above the eyes (see Girly Tip #1). 

Deep Breath.

I wax my top lip because I can't afford laser, I shaved my own arms, remember! And I have had the misfortune of double waxing. i.e: applying the 'innocent' looking wax strip to the skin, pulling off against the grain and then reapplying to the same area. I am sure that somewhere it states, clearly, that this is a bad idea. Obviously I missed this. Why? Because:

1. I removed a few layers of skin from my face, which I don't notice at first, in fact I don't notice at all really, until someone pointed this out. Now if this happened to you, you'd understand that this person is generally the last person you'd want to see you with a self inflicted rash on your top lip. Who? I don't know, maybe SOMEONE LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND! And this generally happens with a furrowing of the eyebrows and some very uncomfortable staring, then he says: What the fucks wrong with your face. And yes, this often happens at dinner. Oh my sainted uncle.

2. It does not and I repeat DOES NOT go away quickly and no amount of concealer does an adequate job of hiding it. No matter what you do, it looks like your face had an altercation with the floor. Face = 0 Floor/Sandpaper = 1

3. After the redness subsides, about 2/3 days, your skins peels. This goes down a treat first thing in the morning when your guy sees you before you've had time to see yourself (and fix the leprosy located on your lip).

4. This post doesn't even need a four. And you thought sunburn was bad...

Like a G-what?

Lyrics to Like A G6 :

(feat. The Cataracs & Dev) Who the hell calls themselves cataracs, it isn't even a real word

Hook
Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard -How do you pop bottles in ice, are you in the ice when you 'pop' em or is the ice used as some sort of rudimentary bottle opener?
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard -What the fuck is slizzard? Did these people get an education?
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6 -WHAT! Sizzurp-Oh Lordy have mercy!!!
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6 -I actually asked what this was and someone said it's a jet, a G6, okie dokie then
Like a G6, Like a G6 -Uh huh = l
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6 -Sure...

Verse 1

Gimme that Mo-Moet
Gimme that Cry-Crystal -The stutter was an unfortunate side effect of to-too much sizzurp
Ladies love my style, at my table gettin wild -Yes because they are whores and you paid them
Get them bottles poppin, we get that drip and that drop -What is dripping and dropping, oh I see, clever. What else rhymes with stop that only has one syllable. Stop, drop, pop, bop? It gets tough with big words huh, shame
Now give me 2 more bottles cuz you know it don’t stop -I can only draw conclusions here. a) You have a drinking problem b) You drink to feel justified in being stupid. c) You drink in order to suppress your emotions, I don't know maybe you were abused as a child. Maybe other kids teased you about your spelling (or your stutter).

(808) Hell Yeaa
Drink it up, drink-drink it up, -You should really talk to someone about this
When sober girls around me, they be actin like they drunk -Um ok, awkward...
They be actin like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk
When sober girls around me actin-actin like they drunk

This just carries on some more but in repetition. Tragic.

The lyrics are so bad I feel like getting driven over by a G6

By a G6, by a G6

You'd better learn your abc's because you sadly got no tricks

Where my dictionary at. Yo thesaurus check this shit out...

Peace.

P.S. High five Terrence for decoding the Far East Movement:

1. Sizzurp is a syrup made from moonshine-in the ghettos in the south.
2. Three 6 refers to a rap group called 3 6 mafia also in the south

3. Lasttly G6 is a private long distance jet, but the one they have in the music video is a G4-ha ha ha

(I feel really, really white now)

Girly Tip #1

Never shave the hair off of your arms, because:

1. It takes ages to grow back (2 months in my case)

2. The hair will most likely grow back darker (mine is a lot darker and longer-gross-nearer to my elbow)

3. If your hair is naturally dark (like mine aargh), it looks like you've done something to your arms, kinda like shaving your eyebrows off, you simply KNOW something isn't right.

4. As it grows back it's shorts and it sticks straight up, like an erection. And this, my friends, lends itself to explanation. "Yes my arm hair does look a little weird, it's not a genetically stunted hair, I shaved my arms." To which the reply is always. "Why?" And I have yet to come up with a quantifiable answer that doesn't make me sound like I care to much about my appearance.

So take it from me-not a good idea, leave it alone or get it lasered.

= y

Neurosis

Are we all neurotic or are some more than others? Ummm. what the fuck are my neurosis, ok speak to some and they'll start listing them but they're just being buttheads. Ok, well seriously for the really real. let me think...

1. When I shower, I follow the same routine (under the belief that if I do anything out of sync, something bad will happen during the day or something good depending on whether I'm pessimistic that day/night or brimming with obnoxious positivity. Like now, I'm pretty urgh, tres pathetic, go on feel sorry for me {not} so if I were to wash in another way, I might be tempting fate with my life...).

2. If I get drunk and pass out, at four am-without fail-yes now this shit is true-I wake up in a panic and obsess over how much of an idiot made of myself. it gets so bad that my heart starts racing and my legs get'a twitching and I cannot sleep. I've taken sleeping tablets before after enduring such an episode, and you know what, they didn't EVEN work. I'm wracked with feelings of embarrassment, guilt, shame, general social mortification and as I lay there I make a pact with the Universe that I'll never drink again, but I do and the vicious cycle continues.

3. I save each and every insect that's drowning in the pool, even ants and flies. I do not discriminate. I've tried to watch something drown but I can't and I don't stop until each bug is safely on dry land airing their creepy buggy wings. Well, I try and save anything unless it's a snail-sorry snails-I throw those over the wall. that way there is no sure way to tell that they have passed on, so it stands to debate whether or not I am solely responsible for their demise. I sleep better at night that way. Once I saved a crab, a monster crab, on the beach from a Seagull. It scared me but I saved it and then I buried it with sand so that the Seagulls couldn't find it. In retaliation they plunged back into the sea to grab another, my heart fell and I walked away. Seagulls = 1. Girl = 0.