Girly Tip #4 Marriage maketh no sense

Look don't take offense, if you're already married that's great-for you. I'm just saying that I can think of a few reasons as to why you shouldn't get married. However if you can counteract that with reasons as to why you should, then the more power to you. Ready?

1. There is no reliable marriage history which makes me think that it was a concept first conceived by community leaders to help prevent the spread of certain sexually transmitted diseases plaguing the population during such archaic times. Back then marriage was a nicer way of saying "If you have sex with lots of different people you'll likely get syphilis and die".

2. Personally I don't know any real-life virgins. So marrying under the guise of appeasing the Lord in order to make up for the nights spent on your back, with your legs in the air, well that doesn't make sense. You've already bonked and you most probably still bonk, what difference does signing a piece of paper make to God? I wasn't aware he was concerned with paperwork and doesn't he love you just the way you are anyway?

3. This brings me back to point 1. In this day and age we have penicillin so really contracting syphilis has become a case of embarrassment that can be remedied with an injection, not a ring on the finger.

4. You'll spend a fortune on a wedding, gees you might even end up in debt because of it. What's the point? Couldn't you think of a few, possibly more, useful things to spend the money on. Like... A new car, the down payment on a house, a really nice holiday, towards your children's education? And if you have the cash to burn, why not give it to charity, that good dead will last longer than your marriage anyway and it will make all involved a lot happier.

5. Marriages tend to last the grand total of about 24 months, and seeing how easy it is to get divorced what's the point of even getting hitched, surely staying together without being married is saying far more about your ability to commit?

6. OK this is by far my most pertinent of points and it's based on a scientific fact: The larger a species' testicles the more promiscuous they are. This isn't because men are whores by choice, they are by nature and trying to keep men down the straight and narrow via marriage will only work in making them want to fuck everything in sight. Not saying all men... Only the ones with big kahunas.

Please ladies let's not be naive, we're big girls and to expect monogamy is slightly deluded, especially because we know that the many of us aren't into monogamy ourselves. I remember a pastor, an ordained proprietor of marriage, once saying to me that if I think bad thoughts or think about killing someone, as far as God was concerned I've already 'pulled the trigger'. Therefore if I think about doing the hard and nasty with someone other than my beau, I've already cheated? And if that's the case then there can be no such thing as monogamy, because we all know that people think about sex-a lot. And if you want to try and tell me you only think about sex only with your partner... Well now you're just a liar so you're going to hell regardless.

; )

Ciao Gucci!

I have fallen in love. It happened in an instant. I was walking past when something caught my eye. I stopped. My heart was racing. I turned and there they were. Just sitting there. Looking at me. I couldn't resist. I went inside. I tried them on. It was as if Heaven itself had opened up and God was smiling down on me. A halo appeared. It was surreal. I took them off. I found the price tag. I nearly fainted. I had to sit down. R2880.00? Why GOD. WHY?????

Wow I just realised I could sell my mountain bike (yes it was a gift but it's not like I use it and at least this way I could maximize on present potential). Or I could sell my little brother-OK well not really because I would get into so much trouble... kidnapping, aiding and abetting, human trafficking, possible murder... Unless no one knew he was missing...

P.S. Human trafficking is very serious. And sad-seriously sad. Which makes me feel significantly shallow and soulless for going on about Gucci shades when little girls and boys alike, just like my little brother only browner (he is very white), are sold for less than what these glasses cost...

Who needs sunglasses when you can squint.

Peace.

Love.

Squint.

Girly Tip #4 DON'T MEET THE PARENTS

Tricky. If I could give you any advise in life, really, it's this: Don't meet in the parents. That and always, ALWAYS make sure you never leave your short and curly's on someone else's soap (not that I do that... obviously).

The thing with meeting the parents is that it's not a disaster the first time, it's the second, third and fourth that does it and leaves you on the outside of the inside (like everyone having a party at your house and you're not really invited, your lurking somewhere outside, in the rain-scrap that-hail). Face it You WILL NEVER be good enough for their son, especially if they only have one, it's not natural and if you're brave enough to venture forth (kudos to you), this is what might happen:

1. Before the "much anticipated visit", there will be a lot of pressure, naturally. You will be stressed out beyond comprehension and there will be stern warnings "Don't f*** it up, don't create drama..." Sadly this only compacts issues.

2. You will be judged

3. No one will take your side on any topic, any discussion, EVER, not even your bf and if he disagrees with you on something, trust that his parents will take his side, rendering you an outcast for life

4. Expect awkward silences

5. Expect excessive smiling

6. Expect to be expected to be prefect and don't be surprised when you get reprimanded because you're not, after all you are not human, you're just a girlfriend

7. Expect that no matter how hard you try you will never be good enough in their eyes

8. Stop hoping that they will like you, they will ONLY like you if you're related to the Queen or if you played tennis and your parent's had a country house somewhere ridiculous like, I don't know, the Hamptons

9. After said visit, expect to feel completely inadequate and yes sometimes even...

10. Single.

POP IT

What do you get when pop art meets champagne?

You get three little letters, the same three little letters that first appeared when God said "Let there be light". The same letters which popped up to say how-do-you-do when you pulled your first authentic O-face, and yes, the same three little letters which were born at the exact same time you miraculously managed to push a baby out of your vulva... Wow. And wow indeed.

I'd like to introduce Dom P's tribute to Andy W (the W is for Warhol and not Wow, but you'd be forgiven...) A heavenly bubbly that knows how to sparkle mixed with an art eccentric renowned for turning heads (yes, heavenly, Dom P was a Benedictine monk, so it's kinda like holy water, expensive holy water, but holy water none the less). How expensive you ask? I mean can you really put a price on art and champagne?! Yes you can, it'll set you back about R1499-available at any half decent bottle store, which isn't bad, it's only about a months rent if your renting a room in some hole in Cape Town and if you are you wouldn't buy it anyway, so whatever ; )

"Come quickly I'm tasting the stars" - Dom P

When Life Hands You Limes...Make Frozen Mojitos!

Ok life doesn't always throw you lemons, sometimes it throws you limes, which is pretty f*ing kiff because I can never seem to find any at the shops...

It's time to get your dranky drank on (Viva Craig) we're making Frozen Mojitos!

Ingredients:

1. ½ cup sugar syrup-In a saucepan, on a heat source, like a stove, dissolve 1 cup sugar in 1 cup water, whilst standing on one leg & stirring occasionally. Bring it brought to the boil until it has reduced by about a 1/3, into, duh, a syrup. Allow to cool and voila.
2. Ice
3. Limes-squeezed 1 per person
4. About a handful of mint leaves
5. 1 tot rum per person
6. lastly, some soda to top up with

The Mojito Method:

Now the trick with this recipe is that you just 'wing' it. Go by taste.

1. Place the sugar syrup, ice, lime juice and mint into your blender.
2. Blend until it resembles some sort slushy ice. If you don't have a blender, oh shame you must neva!
3. Put a good dollop of Mojito slush into your glass and then some in your friend's glass and then some more into your glass.
4. Add a shot or two of white rum, the good stuff Havana White & a splash of soda water to top up.
5. Salud!

P.S. What do you call a non-alcoholic Mojito? A Nojito. And I am not even joking.