Yes, you creepy motherfucker, stalking. With the birth of facebook came a new breed of online deviance-I mean behaviour. I've done it, you do it, everyone'll try it at least once. Fact. But even facebook stalking has etiquette. I've prioritized it into a list for easy reading:
Online stalking ethos:
- Don't use your own account to "explore", borrow your brother/sister's. First prize would be a sibling who is friends with the person you're wanting to "get to know"(I think the word stalk is a bit harsh).
- If you don't have sibling(s), shame, use a friend who you trust implicitly.
- If you don't have a friend who will lend you their account, ask yourself "Do I have any friends?" If the answer is no... I dont know what to say, that thought gives me spooky goosebumps.
- Don't leave any trace evidence. Don't comment, poke or otherwise vandalise the person's wall. That goes against the very essence of being curiously inconspicuous and it's just plain ridiculous.
- Delete your browsing history, mainly for your own benefit. This is like the proverbial tree, without witnesses, did you actually do it?
- It's only really stalking if you can't send them a friend request because that would be too weird/awkies.
- Don't stalk your squeeze's ex(s), this will only make you feel fat/ugly/depressed - even if he/she's a pirate hooker (chances are he/she is or else they'd still be together). Worse still, you'll never be able to talk to them about it, which means you'll have a secret that'll eat at your soul - forever - until you're a soulless void of constant comparison. Just don't do it.
- Don't stalk your ex(s)... for the same reason as the point above. It's gut-wrenching to see them with someone hotter than you. And then you'll have to start stalking the new inamorata/o too and that's how shit gets complicated. For reals.
- Dress appropriately. You might be behind your computer for a while, bring a jersey and a juicey.
- Stay hydrated.
- If you're going to be masturbating, bring a damp hand towel.
- Don't masturbate at your friends house, take mental pictures and use the back of your eyelids later.
- Have fun but not too much fun.
The end.
Ok bye.
