Girly Tip #6: Wax on, wax, what?!!!!

The post is inspired by recent events, also as a form of therapeutic release on my part.

So, it goes like this. A few days ago I was on a mission to find a decent place to get a wax, a brazilian to be crushingly honest. Now, being on holiday in Amsterdam (tough life) you'd think the first world would have a barrage of such places - they don't and if they do it'll set you back 35 Euros. Yikes (times that by 14 and you have the cost in rands and at that rate I could get three waxes done back home - perspective). Being a frugal individual I figured that I'd just do it myself and save 25 bucks.

This is one of those things that seem like a good idea at the time.

Wax in hand I waited for a day when I'd have the house to myself, which happened to be yesterday, god forbid someone walk in on me, naked, with my leg in the air, draped in wax and a look of utter dread plastered on my face. The thing with wax, and I learnt this the hard way, is that once it's on it has to come off. There's no backing out and my determination faltered about thirty minutes into it, after having meticulously worked my way down, down, down... Let me quickly clarify a few things. I have no fucking idea about how to wax. I mean, yeah I've used wax strips for my face but never in a million years have I waxed a larger or more delicate area. This was an over ambitious attempt after watching one or two DIY waxing videos online.

Back to the story.

I'd figured that I'd easily and quickly/forcefully rip the hardening wax off against the grain before it... crystalises and adheres itself to my skin/hair with such gusto that cement would seem easier to remove. The panic that ensues as a result of this insane time limit only makes you sweat more, resulting in a loss of grip, rendering you utterly helpless. And, then there's the pain. Yes, it's sore to get it done professionally but christ all mighty doing it yourself takes pain to a whole new level. And what does intense pain do, yeah makes you sweat even more. So there you are, leg propped up against a table like you've been frozen mid kick, pale-faced and sweating, wax everywhere - on your fingers, the floor, your feet and of course your lady bits, and you're trying your best to pull the skin taught and work up enough courage to yank. Only when you do, as soon as your brain registers the indescribable pain of the hair being ripped out by the roots, you loose all the power in your arms and stop. Breathe and try it again. Needless to say what normally takes a quick "one-two-ouch" can only be achieved in increments of a few mms at a time. Leaving you mentally strung out, physically exhausted and emotionally scarred. Why? Because you still have to do the other side...    

If I could impart with any advice, it's this. Don't try this at home. Just don't. Or if you don't have much option, like me, just do your bikini line. Or practice first. Practice a lot. Practice on anything that has hair and keep practicing until you've got the application and removable of hot wax down. Also, being drunk might help (or maybe not because if you have very thick hair, you might start bleeding and end up bleeding to death because you've drank too much booze and alcohol thins your blood... And then people, like your family, will find you dead, boozed, bloody and looking like your into some very sick sex stuff and no one will want to go to your funeral because they've disowned you and your dad has to lie to his golf buddies and say that you died of a heart attack, and the lying and not being able to understand why you did this will wear heavy on his heart until he ends up killing himself and your mother will kill herself because she can't "go on"and your siblings will become drug addicts and rapists and be on the news...) or a ask a nurse for a shot of pethidine. Or, get a very dear friend to do it for you. Or, don't do it but if you're hard headed and think you can handle this because you've pushed babies out of your vagina and pain is nothing, good luck... You'll need it.