The Ex Effect

Thanks Philosoraptor.

This is how it goes (not necessarily in this order): You meet. Sparks fly. You fall in love. You date. You fight. You fight a lot. You fight too much. You break up....

The cycle repeats, only this time there's an extra added element: You meet (someone new). Sparks fly. You fall in love. You date. You get a call from your ex. Depending on how you handle it, you may either (a) not fight with your new squeeze or (b) fight.

This in turn begs the question. Can you really be friends with an ex?

Hmm let me think about this. No.

Now obviously there are some exceptions to the rule, namely:

1. You work together

2.You have had a child together

3. Your children have had children

4. You never actually dated, or did the nasty

5. You're related, somehow

That's it, I can only get as far as five. Other than that I don't see how ex's can remain buddies and here's why.

1. You've not only fucked, but you've made love.

2. You've seen one another naked-not only that but you've seen every inch of them, the good, the bad, the ugly.

3. You've shared toothbrushes and goodmorning/goodnight kisses.

4. You've met the parents.

5. You planned a future together.

6. You said you would "love them forever".

7. You compromised.

8. You fantasized (well up till about year 1-then you started fantasizing about someone else, ha).

9. You shared your most intimate secrets and thoughts.

10. You shared your life.

Now having shared all of the above with a few people, I can tell you that once it's over, personally I never want to see them again. What's the point? Seeing the ex can be as awkward as bumping into your gynae, at a family gathering, after he diagnosed you with having crabs (yuk), only to find that he and your father are golfing buddies. The odd "Merry Christmas" / "Happy Birthday" text is about as much as I want to share with someone who knows me. Wait. Knew me inside out, so to speak. Add a couple of years to the mix and you have your emotionally charged past blaring into your future. Is this healthy? Can we delude ourselves into thinking we can be purely platonic after so much fucking, talking, sharing, being so entwined at a stage you were unsure where you ended and the other began?

Sure you could argue "Yes-we can be friends, I've dated my ex for 8 years and we can still be buds". Now for all the yes sayers out there, here's why you're pursuing your friendship:

1. You are still into your ex and hope that one day you two could sort it out. You hold onto the past, you often take a trot down memory lane and reminisce. You remind your ex of said memories. You call. You skype. You suggest meeting up for lunch. You're the protagonist. You're the pursuer. And quite frankly you should just get the fuck on with your life, because you're pissing the new girlfriend/boyfriend off.

2. You are being chased after. You know it. Your new partner knows it. Your ex knows it, but whether or not he/she'll ever admit to it... Either way, you feel good to have someone call you. Text. Skype. Suggest meeting up for lunch. You're playing the game, you love to feel pursued and it's an easy one to deny to your new beau/lady. Sadly it's diaphanous. And the question you should be asking isn't why isn't my partner being understanding? But rather, what the fuck am I really doing here?

If you're going to persist in this rather benign and ridiculous friendship and you simply have to meet up for coffee, be polite, be respectful, be open, bring your new date along. After all they should have a chance to gauge the situation, and who knows maybe you could all be mates...

Um sure...